02/09/18

I Should’ve Stayed

 

It is so late at night that I assume

if I write for long enough, my

words will begin to bleed into

tomorrow.

They will carry me into tomorrow,

like the men carried you out.

I am fifteen, and I have already

seen someone die

                       

 I watched him since I was a baby,

Since I could even recognize the

individual letters of his name.

Growing up, I faintly remember my heart breaking everytime he took a step.

I knew that at some point, he would never go heel to toe, on any surface, again.

Today, the boys in my class say your name,

but like every boy I ever knew,

of course they “did not mean to upset me.”

                                                                               

And I begin to tell the boys I am sorry,

but my brother died three weeks ago.

the sound of his name feels like a shot

that found its way to my heart.

I apologize to these boys because

 I know they are strangers to

 sadness and just the thought of it

makes them want to leave me too.

 but I get nervous when someone asks me if I am okay

now,  I hardly know if I am or not.

The last moment I had with you, replays in my mind.

I remember sitting next to your lifeless body and repeating your name.

I waited for you to respond to me, but you never did.

Mom told me it was okay to leave just to spare my feelings,

but it didn’t help when I stood alone amongst the crowd

And the image of the small man that I saw before I left, replayed in my mind.

I understand that you had to go on,

but I never wanted to forget what your voice sounded like

 Or the feeling of your crushing hugs where our bodies felt a slight bit of pain

because of the love, you showed me.

even when you felt the weakest, you gave powerful hugs.

And I have never wanted to feel that bone-crushing hug more than I have

in the past three weeks.

I would like to think that by now,

naturally, somewhere engraved on my heart is your name.

I wish I could have saved you.

I wish I would have stayed with you , or that when I came back, you would still be here, waiting for me.

Advertisements

I Hope You are Proud

After many months of thinking, I have finally decided to share my words with people. I dedicate this page to my brother, my heart and my light, Kody Champagne who had to leave us sooner than we would have ever wanted him to on January 16th, 2018. I hope he knows that for as long as I live, he will not be forgotten. My life was devoted to him, and I could never love anyone more than I loved him. In addition to that, I am also doing this for you, the person reading this. You deserve to know that no matter the quality of life, the amount of love in it will never change. And you too will never be forgotten. Be brave and bold. Learn to laugh at yourself and know that it is okay to feel.