I Should’ve Stayed
It is so late at night that I assume
if I write for long enough, my
words will begin to bleed into
They will carry me into tomorrow,
like the men carried you out.
I am fifteen, and I have already
seen someone die
I watched him since I was a baby,
Since I could even recognize the
individual letters of his name.
Growing up, I faintly remember my heart breaking everytime he took a step.
I knew that at some point, he would never go heel to toe, on any surface, again.
Today, the boys in my class say your name,
but like every boy I ever knew,
of course they “did not mean to upset me.”
And I begin to tell the boys I am sorry,
but my brother died three weeks ago.
the sound of his name feels like a shot
that found its way to my heart.
I apologize to these boys because
I know they are strangers to
sadness and just the thought of it
makes them want to leave me too.
but I get nervous when someone asks me if I am okay
now, I hardly know if I am or not.
The last moment I had with you, replays in my mind.
I remember sitting next to your lifeless body and repeating your name.
I waited for you to respond to me, but you never did.
Mom told me it was okay to leave just to spare my feelings,
but it didn’t help when I stood alone amongst the crowd
And the image of the small man that I saw before I left, replayed in my mind.
I understand that you had to go on,
but I never wanted to forget what your voice sounded like
Or the feeling of your crushing hugs where our bodies felt a slight bit of pain
because of the love, you showed me.
even when you felt the weakest, you gave powerful hugs.
And I have never wanted to feel that bone-crushing hug more than I have
in the past three weeks.
I would like to think that by now,
naturally, somewhere engraved on my heart is your name.
I wish I could have saved you.
I wish I would have stayed with you , or that when I came back, you would still be here, waiting for me.