02/09/18

I Should’ve Stayed

 

It is so late at night that I assume

if I write for long enough, my

words will begin to bleed into

tomorrow.

They will carry me into tomorrow,

like the men carried you out.

I am fifteen, and I have already

seen someone die

                       

 I watched him since I was a baby,

Since I could even recognize the

individual letters of his name.

Growing up, I faintly remember my heart breaking everytime he took a step.

I knew that at some point, he would never go heel to toe, on any surface, again.

Today, the boys in my class say your name,

but like every boy I ever knew,

of course they “did not mean to upset me.”

                                                                               

And I begin to tell the boys I am sorry,

but my brother died three weeks ago.

the sound of his name feels like a shot

that found its way to my heart.

I apologize to these boys because

 I know they are strangers to

 sadness and just the thought of it

makes them want to leave me too.

 but I get nervous when someone asks me if I am okay

now,  I hardly know if I am or not.

The last moment I had with you, replays in my mind.

I remember sitting next to your lifeless body and repeating your name.

I waited for you to respond to me, but you never did.

Mom told me it was okay to leave just to spare my feelings,

but it didn’t help when I stood alone amongst the crowd

And the image of the small man that I saw before I left, replayed in my mind.

I understand that you had to go on,

but I never wanted to forget what your voice sounded like

 Or the feeling of your crushing hugs where our bodies felt a slight bit of pain

because of the love, you showed me.

even when you felt the weakest, you gave powerful hugs.

And I have never wanted to feel that bone-crushing hug more than I have

in the past three weeks.

I would like to think that by now,

naturally, somewhere engraved on my heart is your name.

I wish I could have saved you.

I wish I would have stayed with you , or that when I came back, you would still be here, waiting for me.

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