a rude awakening

today we arose from our slumber, faster than the sun ever could.

Grief stood in the corner of my bedroom and wrote me a note.

tonight, he tucked the folded paper under my pillow

forcefully,

angrily.

it was almost like he yelled for me to wake up, to rise and remember the things I’d much rather forget.

Many would consider him to be a wake up call,

some kind of romantic being that begged for the sight of my open eyes.

He,

whom after awhile,

missed the laugh I had grown accustom to letting out,

and never forgot the different words I’d learn to trip over.

and maybe this was romantic

it was some kind of love story

I guess you could say.

A love story where he pleaded for my living

A love story where no matter how many times he tried to wake me up,

I’d shush him,

wish for his disappearance,

and still,

He would try again the next day.

a beating heart was enough for him though,

it was a message from me to him, saying thank you

not for the admiration

not for the begging

not for the constant remembrance of the people I miss

not for the loving

not for the letters under my pillow

but for catching me in a temporary sleep

that he didn’t want to last forever, and teaching me how to wake

when that is the last thing I had wished to do.

Advertisements

a legacy

A mold of your heart has been made.

Produced over and over again

Gifted to newborns

And people across the world

who once lost themselves

who have become tired of living

and once again,

without your own knowledge

You have saved someone’s life.

You gave someone a reason to live.

You gifted people with purpose and you shaped them into a figure of pure love

A prized possession is what your heart became.

Passed down throughout a family

because it was just that great.

Nobody had to question the tradition

because they were all impatiently waiting for it.

To receive that again would be

the most generous gift,

the kind of gift that keeps on

giving no matter what the condition.

Perhaps someday the world will find a way to set it on my doorstep

put it into a box

wrap it in a little bow,

and send it off to me.

Hand one to my kids

guide them,

help them grow into a beautiful soul

like some kind of footwear.

Ship one off to my future lover

And make his heart even more loving than my own.

For he now holds the most genuine heart

I have ever known.

The Sun Looked Like You Today

for a split second, tears started to roll down my cheek.

among the light, I thought I saw you standing in a field,

across from my bus,

waving at me.

I never liked this place, but for one second, that field is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

When I say“the sun looked like you today”

I don’t mean that it looked beautiful.

I mean that even though the clouds around it were full, nothing was stopping the sun from glowing,

it was struggling,

it was striving,

but there it was

fighting to be noticed,

and that is just how you lived.

The clouds were up there,

right beside the sun,

childishly playing a game of hide and seek. For a moment, the sun would shine it’s light on me,

but it would leave just as quick.

By now I would like to think you are somewhere else on this earth,

making someone a coffee,

painting some really bad art,

or maybe someone got just lucky enough where they have grown into a carbon copy of you.

Meeting someone like you again,

would be the most generous gift,

and maybe some day the world can hand it to me again.

Weighted Clouds

with her sharp chin cradled in her hand,

she took a look the sky that hovered her since she was little.

The clouds were heavy, and so was her heart.

She loved storms and tonight it was as if

the sky had a lightswitch.

The raindrops danced down her window

and as distracting as they were,

nothing could dim the lightning.

she was a sucker for the lightning.

It was hard to look away, she couldn’t keep her eyes off of it,

in fact there was something about the way the lightning struck the sky

like the veins inside of her heart.

Her mind wandered off.

She looks at the sky and slowly comes to the conclusion that

when we don’t cry for ourselves, when we don’t cry for our world, our world cries for us.

She remembers her first heartbreak like it was yesterday.

He made her feel like every vein in her heart was getting ready to violently burst,

each and every one of them .

On days when she would try to fall asleep,

she lie alone and saddened by close to everything, she would watch the rain.

that just had to be why she loved the raindrops that fell from the clouds above her. It was like he was the rain

that was his way of paying her a visit.

For a moment she recognized the pain the world was feeling for the people around her. Perhaps the world was crying for her,

with her, when nobody, not even her could fix her heart and mind.

She was the kind of person who took her problems and shoved them under the bed.

That is where they would remain.

she didn’t know if it’d be better for someone to find them or to

leave them alone.

A Tired Heart

If for some reason you left me tomorrow,

I would have an empty place in my heart that yells your name

just so you can come back.

I know at times i am hard to love

and trust me, you aren’t the easiest either

but i have never wanted to show someone so much love before.

I find myself excusing all of the bad and covering it with the good.

It’s hard to love when so many people beg me not to.

I hope you know that I am trying.

I am doing what I can to keep you safe

I am doing what I can to make the world know that the only reason I want to be here is because of you.

there is something about you I could never let go

if I had the option I don’t think I would ever want to.

though i am tired of fighting for this

and at times i feel weak, and alone

I will fight for this

I will work for this

I will never stop trying to show you love when you need it.

even when you feel like you do not deserve it

02/09/18

I Should’ve Stayed

 

It is so late at night that I assume

if I write for long enough, my

words will begin to bleed into

tomorrow.

They will carry me into tomorrow,

like the men carried you out.

I am fifteen, and I have already

seen someone die

                       

 I watched him since I was a baby,

Since I could even recognize the

individual letters of his name.

Growing up, I faintly remember my heart breaking everytime he took a step.

I knew that at some point, he would never go heel to toe, on any surface, again.

Today, the boys in my class say your name,

but like every boy I ever knew,

of course they “did not mean to upset me.”

                                                                               

And I begin to tell the boys I am sorry,

but my brother died three weeks ago.

the sound of his name feels like a shot

that found its way to my heart.

I apologize to these boys because

 I know they are strangers to

 sadness and just the thought of it

makes them want to leave me too.

 but I get nervous when someone asks me if I am okay

now,  I hardly know if I am or not.

The last moment I had with you, replays in my mind.

I remember sitting next to your lifeless body and repeating your name.

I waited for you to respond to me, but you never did.

Mom told me it was okay to leave just to spare my feelings,

but it didn’t help when I stood alone amongst the crowd

And the image of the small man that I saw before I left, replayed in my mind.

I understand that you had to go on,

but I never wanted to forget what your voice sounded like

 Or the feeling of your crushing hugs where our bodies felt a slight bit of pain

because of the love, you showed me.

even when you felt the weakest, you gave powerful hugs.

And I have never wanted to feel that bone-crushing hug more than I have

in the past three weeks.

I would like to think that by now,

naturally, somewhere engraved on my heart is your name.

I wish I could have saved you.

I wish I would have stayed with you , or that when I came back, you would still be here, waiting for me.

I Hope You are Proud

After many months of thinking, I have finally decided to share my words with people. I dedicate this page to my brother, my heart and my light, Kody Champagne who had to leave us sooner than we would have ever wanted him to on January 16th, 2018. I hope he knows that for as long as I live, he will not be forgotten. My life was devoted to him, and I could never love anyone more than I loved him. In addition to that, I am also doing this for you, the person reading this. You deserve to know that no matter the quality of life, the amount of love in it will never change. And you too will never be forgotten. Be brave and bold. Learn to laugh at yourself and know that it is okay to feel.